I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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