not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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