new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
