I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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