i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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