my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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