I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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