i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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