I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
