After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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