i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
