I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
