Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
