An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
