I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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