i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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