I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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