all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
