Do you still have your period?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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