I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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