Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
