i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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