I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
