my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
