I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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