Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
