ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
