I'm going to jail i love you
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
