Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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