i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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