It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
