my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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