So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
