Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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