my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
