My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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