Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
