She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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