we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
