...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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