My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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