so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
third nipple confirmed
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
