Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
