Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
