Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
