All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
