I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
