Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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