Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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