So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
